Friday, November 9, 2012
It's funny how we all have our our habits that we develop. Many times we do not even realize what we are doing until an outsider points it out to us. Brian Mackenzie was leading the class, but Carl Borg was his right hand. As we went through drills, I kept hearing the same 2 things from Carl..."USE YOUR HAMSTRINGS!" and "STOP LOOKING AT THE GROUND!" I still remember the last day when we were doing a workout and he finally yelled at me, "MARSHA! STOP STARING AT THE GROUND! LOOK UP! THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL WORLD AROUND YOU TO SEE!" I haven't thought about that in a long time, but those words came to my mind Monday as I walked out of the gym and stopped to lock the door.
I've put off writing this since because at that moment, I made a decision...a decision to "look up"...a decision not to be consumed with pain and disappointment...a decision NOT to cry...and I knew writing about this was sure to bring tears. I hoped that maybe I had used all my tears up but unfortunately there's still some in the reserve I guess.
I got married 21 years ago and I planned to be married forever. Unfortunately there's 2 people in every marriage and we can only control 1 of those 2...ourselves. I won't get into detail to spare my loved ones more pain, but I will say this...deciding to divorce after 21 years has been the most difficult, heart breaking, surprising, disappointing, hurtful decision I have ever made. I pride myself on being strong. I encourage others to find their strength...to stay positive and believe in themselves. I was able to do that for a long time, but over the past month I have fallen into a dark place that left me very weak at times. It's left me questioning everything I have ever known and believed. At times, I have felt hopeless and wondered if I will ever get the strength and happiness back that I once possessed.
As I stood at the door and put the key in the lock, the most amazing fall breeze swept through and blew my hair. The temperature was perfect, leaves were falling and making rustling noises on the concrete, and for a moment I paused to take it in. I thought about how much I love the fall...how good it felt...how amazing it is to watch leaves fall off the trees and then reappear in the spring...and for that brief moment I was happy. I was able to look outside myself and enjoy what was around me. I was transcended above all the hurt and pain that I have been so mired in and as the wind blew I could hear that familiar command, "MARSHA! STOP STARING AT THE GROUND! LOOK UP! THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL WORLD AROUND YOU TO SEE!"
You see, I've been doing what I do on a long, hard run. I've been looking down because I didn't wanna look up and see the end further away than I wanted. Unfortunately in my attempt to make things easier...I made them harder. Sure, I couldn't see how far I had to go, but I couldn't see anything else either. I couldn't see the good around me and I haven't been able to muster the strength I needed because I wasn't really sure where I was at. All I knew was I was hurting and I wanted it to go away. I still hurt. I'm still scared, and I still feel like a failure in some ways but something changed the day the wind blew my hair and the voice from the past told me to "look up."