Ask yourself this question, "How bad do I really want it? How bad do I want to get fit? How bad do I want to lose weight? How bad do I want to get strong?" If you REALLY want it bad enough...you WILL make it happen! Don't become discouraged because you don't see progress, when you don't put in the work. You have to be willing to make hard decisions. You have to be willing to sacrifice. You have to be willing to work harder than you've ever worked, if you want a big change. You CAN do it, but you have to want it...bad.

 




www.stronglola.com
www.strongisthenewskinny.spreadshirt.com
Strong Is The New Skinny

Keep looking

Most people with children have experienced the feeling.  You are in a busy store or mall with your child and turn your back for just a moment.  When you turn back again, your child is gone.  It's as if they have disappeared and the most terrible feeling of fear, confusion, and panic washes over you.  It can be overwhelming.  And as each moment passes, it gets worse.  You start to behave in ways that you normally wouldn't...yelling...frantically searching....begging strangers to help you.  Irrational thoughts and fears begin to cloud your thinking.  I have personally experienced this on several occasions many years ago when my children were still small.  I'll never forget that emotion or the relief that washed over me when I eventually found my "lost child" each time.

My children are all older now.  I haven't experienced that in a long time, but I have been experiencing something a little similar and a couple of weeks ago as I left the gym I made the connection in my mind.  I was there to workout with my friend at his gym.  Many years ago, he was MY trainer.  Our relationship has changed but the desire to please him in the gym has never really left me in the 6 years since I stopped training with him as a client.  I've mentioned in previous blogs that I have been through a lot in the past couple of years.  I lost my marriage of 21 years that in turn caused me to lose a lot of comfort, security, and free time to workout whenever and however long I want.  Then, a couple of weeks ago...my older sister that has struggled with mental illness for many years, took her own life.

Although, I have dealt with it all as it came and feel like I've handled it all pretty well, it has taken a big toll on my emotional state.  That in turn has affected my physical state and ability at times.  Some days, it's been a big struggle physically to make it to the gym.  I start to workout and it's as if all my energy is gone.  I feel weak and that same sense of panic I spoke of earlier washes over me.  I worry that I will never find my strength again.  So when I found myself struggling and frustrated one day after a workout with my friend, I had to think about this.  At one point he looked at my tank and yelled..."FIND YOUR STRONG!" at me!

As I drove home afterwards, I put the connection of those two situations together.  There was one distinct difference though.  If I had lost my child, I would NEVER give up searching.  It wouldn't matter if I was tired or hurt or frustrated or lost.  I would continue to search against all odds to find my child.   I felt like I had lost something that was so precious to me.  I worked for so many years to build muscle and strength that now seemed to be gone, but instead of doing whatever it takes...no matter how hard or bad I feel...I was in a sense throwing my hands in the air and giving up. 

Clearly, my fitness and the way my body looks and performs will never be as important as my children, but it IS very important to me.  Making this connection about how I have reacted differently to "losing" 2 different things that I care about made me take a good hard look at myself.  It made me have to get honest about just how bad I want to find my strength and how hard I actually have or in this case have not worked to find it.  I'm not perfect...that is clear to anyone that reads what I have to say, but I'm honest.  I believe honesty and forgiveness have always been a key part of my success.  It was nice to finally be honest with myself about the level of effort because once I realized I COULD work harder...it gave me hope.  I could stop being the self inflicted victim and make a plan.  And whether or not I find the same strength I had, I have found a comfort in realizing and regaining control over me.

If you lose something that you love, go find it.  Don't look for a minute or two and give up.  Don't get bored because it's taking longer than you thought.  Don't make excuses because you are afraid or the search becomes difficult.  Search.  And don't stop until you find what you're looking for!

DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK!

When I was a little girl, I was terribly scared of the dark!  I wouldn't even walk to the bathroom by myself in the dark.  Luckily, my little sister, Sarah, was afraid of NOTHING and she would walk with me and stand outside the door until I came out.  I shared a bedroom with my 2 younger sisters until my older brother and sister moved out.  Then, I got my own room.  I loved it during the day, and I hated it at night.  I would go sleep with my sister sometimes, but on the nights I had to stay alone in my room...I was always afraid until I went to sleep.  I would pull the covers up high on my neck and always had my bed against a wall so I could put my back to the wall and feel safe.  If it got too bad, I'd sing to myself...but on the nights that the fear was unbearable, I would leave my room to go find my parents or my sister.  I still remember the dilemma.  I wanted to get out of there but I was afraid to put my feet on the floor.  I would lie there gripped with fear trying to summon the courage to move.  The boogeyman never got me, but every time I was afraid "he" would.

I'm a little embarrassed to say that fear has been a big part of my life in different ways.  I did and did not do many things because of it.  As a little girl I was afraid of being hurt.  As a teenager I was afraid of not being good enough.  As a young woman, I feared not being smart enough to get a degree and a job, so I defeated myself in college by getting bad grades and eventually dropping out as soon as I got married.  Sometimes the fear served me well.  It kept me from doing things that were bad because I was afraid of disappointing my parents.  But most of the time, it also kept me from the love and happiness and peace that I always craved.  It's like I have the demons of the past following me...taunting me...holding me back...telling me that I can't or that I need help.  I learned to coexist with "them" well.  I dedicated myself to being the best Mom I could be.  I shopped and went out with friends.  I laughed when I wanted to cry.  I made sure all my time was filled and that I was never alone with myself for too long.  I didn't want the same fears I had as a little girl and bad memories to come back.  I wasn't sure I was strong enough to face them.  That worked for a long time...and then things changed.

When I gained and lost 70 lbs. after my third child, my body wasn't the only thing to change.  My confidence grew.  I learned to try new things and not let it devastate me if I failed the first time I tried.  I made great improvements, but I kept my life fairly stress free.  I spent money, but I didn't worry about how to pay the bills.  When I needed a new car, I did the fun part.  I picked out what I wanted and then left it to my husband to get it and figure out how to pay for it.  I just assumed it would ALWAYS be this way...that I would always have someone there in bed with me at night to keep me safe and to handle the money and day to day stresses that I thought were too much for me.  That was a mistake. 

I was lying in bed Wednesday night alone gripped with fear just like when I was a little girl.  I felt like I couldn't move.  I wanted to jump up and run away, but I couldn't.  The only difference is I wasn't afraid of the boogeyman...I was afraid of the future...of being alone...of supporting myself...of all the tasks that I have avoided out of fear all these years.  After 21 years of marriage, I'm back to having my own room.  Soon there will be no one to pay the bills but me.  I won't be able to spend and shop without thinking.  I will have to pay attention and stick to a tight budget.  For a moment, I felt stuck...frozen...hopeless.  I tried talking to a friend but I was too closed off mentally to hear any other point of view and so at 3 AM, I stared at the ceiling wondering what would happen to me.  I don't know why, but I got up and decided to make a budget and find a way to reduce some costs.  I started searching for cars...cars that cost half as much as the Mercedes I needed to get rid of.  I made my choice and set out to do something...ON MY OWN the next day.  

I went to the Acura dealership to look at a new/used car they were selling for a good price.  It had all the stuff I like...heated seats, navigation, push start etc and it fit into my budget.  I walked in only to find out the car was already sold.  The internet mgr saw all my printouts for different dealerships and when I was questioned, I said, "Well, I'm not going to stop until I find a good car that has what I want and I'll go all over the DFW Metroplex if I have to."  He smiled and walked away.  When he came back he started trying to sell me great cars that were new and about 3-4 thousand above the budget I set.  He told me it wouldn't make a big difference.  I did not agree.  I held my ground...nicely of course.  Before I knew it, they were offering me a brand new car with everything I wanted at invoice.  I told them I had to think about it.  I walked away wondering, "Can I do this?  Can I buy a car by myself?  Am I smart enough to not get taken advantage of?"  The next morning I called the sales person from the previous day and made an offer.  I accepted the price but wanted more for my trade in and a certain interest rate.  He called me back and we had a deal!  I went to the dealership feeling pessimistic.  I was sure something would go wrong, but I was not going to bend.  It came time to finance.  The rate was 1% higher than I wanted.  A year ago, I would've caved.  I didn't.  I showed them that this rate was available other places and told him I refused to go any higher.  I was prepared to leave.  To my surprise, we had a deal...a deal that was in my favor...a deal that I got...all on my own.  It felt great driving my first new car purchased on my own at 42 yrs old off that car lot.

I drove to my parent's house to show everyone my car and after my brother looked under the hood and my mom checked out the inside, I pulled away to go home.  I was surprised by how I felt.  I had to contain the tears.  I was overwhelmed with excitement, pride, and hopefulness.  I realized that everyone has fears, but if you let those fears paralyze you...you will never get anywhere!  It felt great to take that fear that held me captive two nights before and use it to make necessary changes.  It doesn't matter whether you are facing a job change, a divorce, or the challenge of losing weight and trying to get stronger.  You cannot let fear hold you back.  You cannot let it hold you where you are.  When you are scared, get up and don't worry about what might happen or who might get you.  Take action.  Do the things you need to do and start to take back control over your life.  Strength is not about never failing or never being afraid.  It's not about always being able to lift the most weight or run the fastest.  It's about acting in spite of the obstacles in your way.  It's taking the first step into the dark, where you learn that there's no boogeyman.  It's about trying again and again until you stop failing.  It's about continuing to lift a little more and go a little faster.  There is nothing too scary to face, because you have the strength within you to overcome your fears.  Remember that the next time you are afraid.

Look within

I've suffered from a bit of self loathing at times in my life.  I know...its a terrible thing to say.  It's an even more terrible thing to admit and feel...especially as a person that desires to uplift and motivate others.  I am realizing that I've looked outside myself a lot for reassurance, confidence, comfort, and strength throughout my life.  I think that's part of the reason me and my one time personal trainer, Wes, and I became such good friends and I became so attached to him.  I found all those things in my training and through his encouragement.

It was only natural for me to cling to that again when he moved back after being gone for years.  When he left, my life was different.  I shopped, got pedicures, barely worked, and had what seemed like the perfect marriage.  He came back to a very broken friend going through a divorce that at times has been consumed by fear...the fear of how to go from a girl that dropped out of college when I got married at 21 and later became a stay at home Mom to a woman that can support herself...the fear of never being loved again...the fear that maybe I'm not as strong on my own as I once thought I was.  I asked him to workout with me.  I was sure that if he programmed our workouts and I had a time to meet him each day, I would become a motivated bad a** again. 

After months of working out together, I have realized that I was wrong.  I have felt like my workouts just weren't as intense as they needed to be.  I have continued to struggle with motivation.  I know Wes has sensed this too.  He's changed our programming, but no matter what...I never feel like I'm beginning to get back to where I was mentally or physically.  It wasn't until yesterday that I had a breakthrough of sorts.  We decided to start a new, much more intense programming schedule this week.  I told myself that I would try really hard to take this seriously and work as hard as I could. 

Monday we met and ran sprints.  It took us a long time, and it was hard and intense...and I loved it!  I went home exhausted...literally.  I ate dinner and fell asleep in my workout clothes.  I got up Tuesday a little nervous about the workout.  I knew it was hard and I wondered if I would feel weak and defeated.  I had to coach the 9AM class at the gym before we could workout together.  It was a tough workout that required a lot of coaching and encouragement.  Wes and I worked together and kept instructing and encouraging the people in class.  One person in particular was struggling.  I gave him tips throughout the workout and I was really proud of him when he had finished.  As soon as the class left we got started.  I wasn't my usual self.  I wasn't silly or doing a lot of talking.  We were only a few minutes in when Wes asked, "Are you ok?"  I smiled and said, "I'm fine.  I'm just being serious."  "Good." he said, and we finished up the first 2 parts of the workout. 

By the time I got to the 3rd of 4 parts...I was tired.  I went to press the bar up and missed.  I tried a second time and missed.  Something strange happened at that point.  Instead of me getting down on myself and starting the inward self loathing and bashing that I normally would have, I could hear my own words in my head.  I remembered the advice and encouragement that I had just given someone else.  I corrected my form and followed my own advice and suddenly I was successfully pressing the bar overhead.  It was still hard, but I was able to get through it.  Even though I could barely get to my car after the workout was over, I left feeling good.  I felt proud that I had worked so hard and that I had chosen to encourage myself rather than tear myself down when I originally failed.  It was on my ride home that I came to a realization.

I realized that the reason that I have struggled so lately and never improved was not because of the programming or because of a lack of encouragement.  It has been because I was searching for something outside of myself that I needed to find within.  I was looking to someone else for strength and confidence.  The strength and confidence I needed was there inside me all along.  It was just hidden and masked by fear and sadness.  Unfortunately, I know I'm not alone in this.  I'm sure there are many other people that have felt the same feelings.

Don't make the mistake of looking outside yourself.  EVERYTHING you need to be successful lies inside you.  It's not so different than the experience that Dorothy had in the Wizard of Oz.  She wanted the wizard to help her get home when she had the power within herself the whole time.  Look inside YOURSELF.  Find what it is you need and then begin to enjoy the success and happiness that comes from knowing that you are all you need!  YOU are brave enough and strong enough to accomplish ANYTHING you want to!  Remember that.

...strength and beauty...

The sun beat down on us unmercifully as we got out of the car to go for a 3 mile walk/run.  For a moment, I thought about pulling the plug and using the excuse that it's just too hot, but I knew that the majority of the trail I was headed for is shady.  I also knew that if I left the park and came home with the intention of doing it later...I would NEVER go back out.  I also knew that it was nothing short of a Christmas miracle that I had even gotten my running partner...my 16 yr old daughter...to agree to come along, so I strapped my phone to my arm (in case one of us were to suffer heat stroke and we needed to call 911) and we headed toward the trail.  I tried to be positive...to convince her (and myself) that it wasn't completely crazy to run in the middle of the afternoon in 100 degree weather.  I said, "See!  There's other cars here!  We aren't the only crazy ones!"  Savanna smiled and said, "Mom...they are having a party where they are sitting under the shade.  We are running."  Dang it!  That didn't work.  I tried another approach.  Denial.  "Look at all this shade!  It won't be bad at all, Savy!  We got this!"  She was quiet and kind and let me be ridiculous, but she knew what I was doing.

We decided that we would walk fast in the shade and run when we hit patches where it was sunny as to avoid getting burnt.  It'll be like intervals...but more fun since it's mostly shade.  (This was my thought as I was still trying to convince myself that it was a good idea.)  Savanna agreed.  And she is not known for being naturally agreeable so I was shocked.  This child has not EVER run with me at the park since she was a toddler and did so as a passenger in the stroller I was pushing!  I was going to take every advantage of this opportunity to try and spend some "quality time" talking with her and also try and show her that working out can be fun.  Okay, so maybe choosing to do so in 100 degree weather isn't the smartest but I was going to work with what I had!

We started out walking.  I started to talk to her about some big changes going on in our family.  She opened up and was kind and honest.  I realized that maybe this was going to be more for me than her, but either way...we were talking and she was doing so willingly and to my surprise she wasn't acting disgusted.  In fact, she SEEMED to be enjoying my company.  I was impressed and touched at how she never complained.  She ran right beside me and never quit...even when I could tell she was struggling.  I would go into personal trainer mode and start saying "You got this Savy!  You're doing great!  Just a little further and we are there!"  Just when it seemed she couldn't go anymore, we would hit a long patch of shade and recover and talk some more.

There is a big hill right in the center of this trail.  I hate/dread it EVERY SINGLE TIME I run.  It seems to go on forever!  I assured Savanna that we would only run on the parts of the hill that were sunny and we could walk in the shady parts.  She was doubtful in her abilities, but she did it.  We turned around at the ending point and started back.  I cheerfully told her that THIS time the hill would be easier because most of the sunny parts would be downhill going this direction.  I then cautioned her to pay attention because it might be easier to trip running downhill.  I said this because Savanna can be a little clumsy at times.  Actually, she has been know to randomly trip and fall many times throughout her life.  Luckily, we all laugh about it and so she smiled but then I saw some fear start to arise.  She got a crinkle between her eyebrows as she said, "Mom, I don't want to run downhill!  What if I fall?  You KNOW how much of a klutz I am!"  I reassured her and said, "Oh Savy, you'll be fine!!!  I didn't tell you that to scare you.  I told you so you would pay attention."  The look of total disbelief was all over her face when she made the next comment...a comment that both surprised and saddened me a bit.  "What if I fall and scrape up my face?  I NEEED my looks Mom!"

I laughed.  "Oh Savanna!  Quit being crazy!  You're not going to fall and what do you mean you need your looks?"  There was a part of me that thought she MUST be joking, but she was very serious.  "Mom.  (motioning to her face as we ran...downhill...without falling)  My looks DO make a difference.  Without my pretty face, things would be a lot harder.  When I was at camp a couple of weeks ago, I didn't ever have to clear my tray in the cafeteria once that week.  There were always boys offering to throw my stuff away and I never had to carry my suitcase up or down the stairs.  I'm going to NEED my looks to get by in life."

 Wow.  Many thoughts raced through my mind in the 30 second pause after that statement.  I wondered if I had created this feeling in her.  I envisioned a life of her relying on men and using her looks to "get by."  That's not the life I want for either of my daughters.  I wondered how this amazingly smart (like genius smart), talented daughter of mine could think that everything good that she has ever gotten or will get is attached to her looks.  And then I realized it.  It's just like when you have that moment of dejavu and you instantly realize that you have dreamed of being where you are before.  I was instantly aware that this was one of those rare, precious moments that parents get...moments when you get the chance to teach your child something so valuable that you would not normally be able to teach them and have it make an impact.  I knew I had to say something.  I wanted her to understand some things that could make such a huge difference in her life.  And so, this is what I said,

"Savanna.  You are beautiful.  I remember when you were a baby.  I would just look at you, even when you were asleep and marvel at what a beautiful child you are.  Now is no different.  Your beauty is striking, and being beautiful has its perks.  People may be nicer to you, boys may give you attention, and opportunities may come your way because of the way you look, but you cannot spend your life relying on your looks.  Solely relying on your looks means giving up the power to be happy...all the time...no matter what.  It may mean that you are only happy when you are getting attention and miserable when you are not.  Relying on your looks means that the opinion of others counts more than YOUR opinion of yourself.  Looks fade and we get older.  One day you will not look like you do now and if your entire identity is wrapped up in your appearance, you will feel lost and always be looking back.  You are so smart.  I can't imagine having your intelligence, and I know you can do great things.  But more importantly, you are strong.  If something were to ever happen to your looks...it would be sad but it shouldn't be the end.  You need to be strong enough to have more substance that you can fall back on.  Looks are nice, but they should be like the icing on the cake...a bonus.  You have stayed with me in this heat and never complained until now.  You have kept going when I KNOW you wanted to stop.  I don't ever want you to forget this.  You are more than what you look like."

She smiled at me and said, "You're right."  I don't know if what I said made a difference but it certainly made me think and reflect upon my own life.  It also made me wonder how many girls out there feel the same way...and how many girls have grown up feeling that way and are now women that have let it shape their lives and effect their happiness.  Don't let appearances shape and define who you are.  You are not the car you drive.  You are not that hot body in a bikini.  You are not the pretty face that gets attention.  You are more than that.  Look within yourself and find your strength and substance, because beauty is nice but it's not the most important thing.

...stop dieting...

When the word diet is said, I immediately cringe.  I cringe as a fitness professional and I cringe personally.  We hear it all the time..."Diets don't work!".  Actually, they do work.  The problem is that the results usually don't last and you're left with disappointment and depending on the extreme matters you may have taken, you could be left MORE unhealthy than when you started!  Starving yourself or working out to excess WILL make you lose weight, but it is NOT maintainable and can do you more harm than good in the long run.  This is the opinion of the personal trainer side of me.

Personally, I cringe because I am a girl that knows what she likes and isn't happy when I don't get it.  I associate diets with the LOSS of things I enjoy, and I hate the feeling of deprivation that has always accompanied diets in my life.  I remember being a teenager and moving an old stationary bike in my room.  I remember eating lettuce and taking diet pills and riding that stupid bike.  I remember hating myself and feeling ugly.  Obviously that's extreme and unhealthy, but I think even healthy diet plans can be risky if you don't have the right mindset.  After my 2nd child, I joined Weight Watcher's and had great success.  I didn't get strong at all, but I sure got skinny.  It started out well for me, but somewhere along the way...old demons and ideas crept back in.  I was so obsessed with the number on the scale that I was going to see every week when I went in for my weekly meeting, that I would refuse to eat meat for 2 days before weigh in and I would use laxatives the day prior.  I've never admitted that to anyone, and it makes me sick to see the words on my screen.  The only reason I admit this is because I know there are women and men out there trying to be better but they are going about it in the wrong way.  The Weight Watcher's plan did not drive me to that.  Being on a DIET and my own personal fear and unwillingness to REALLY change both my body AND my mind drove me to that.

So if you shouldn't diet, should you just be happy where you are at?  My answer would be, "No, not necessarily."  When I weighed 200 lbs back in 2002 and began my own transformation, I went back to Weight Watcher's because I needed some kind of structure and plan.  I did not attend meetings, because for ME personally...I knew the public weigh in would set off some of my past issues.  After a couple of months, I had started to build a healthy foundation but I wanted to be able to eat more healthy fat, like nuts and avocados and the "points" on those did fit in well with being able to eat enough.  For the first time in my life, I made my workouts and what I ate more important than what I was NOT able to eat.  I practiced discipline and moderation.  I ate good most of the time but occasionally I would have small amounts of things that I wanted.  I always used to say, "ONE doughnut, once in a while, will not make you fat.  One doughnut everyday is another story."  I had great success doing things this way and maintained my weight loss for 9 years.

You may think I'm going to go on a rant about the Paleo diet or how I have began eating in the last couple of months.  I'm not.  Do I think there are benefits to this way of eating?  Yes, but the point of this is to change the way you see food in general, no matter HOW you choose to eat.  Make a decision to eat healthier.  Simplify your choices.  Ask yourself questions.  "Does this food make me healthier?  Or less healthy?"  When you are choosing something, be aware that you are indeed CHOOSING.  You don't HAVE to eat crap because you are traveling or tired, and you don't have to skip meals because you are busy.  It's a choice...a choice that's easier to make if you think ahead.

When someone that hates to run at the gym asks me how to get better at running, I have a very simple and true answer.  I say, "Run more."  Sounds like a smart a** response, but it's the truth.  If you want to increase your cardiovascular respiratory endurance, you have to increase your cardio activity!  Eating and choices are no different.  Make better choices more often when it comes to your food and it will become easier.  I remember when I began running and the first day that I burst through my own front door, excited to announce that I had just run for 13 minutes without stopping.  I knew then, I was becoming a runner.  I'm still not quite there with my eating.  I'm feeling myself start to lean back towards old habits.  I was taking my own meals to my parents' house for Sunday dinner and then the past 2 weeks I didn't.  Last night my Mom had barbecue brisket and pasta salad and corn.  I ate it and I feel bad today...physically and mentally.  So, it's a new day.  Not a piece of food has gone in my mouth yet, and when I get up and walk in the kitchen...I'll prepare something that leads me closer to my goals rather than further away.  You can do the same.  Quit "DIETING" and start eating healthier.  You'll be surprised what a difference this shift in attitude can make!