Keep looking

Most people with children have experienced the feeling.  You are in a busy store or mall with your child and turn your back for just a moment.  When you turn back again, your child is gone.  It's as if they have disappeared and the most terrible feeling of fear, confusion, and panic washes over you.  It can be overwhelming.  And as each moment passes, it gets worse.  You start to behave in ways that you normally wouldn't...yelling...frantically searching....begging strangers to help you.  Irrational thoughts and fears begin to cloud your thinking.  I have personally experienced this on several occasions many years ago when my children were still small.  I'll never forget that emotion or the relief that washed over me when I eventually found my "lost child" each time.

My children are all older now.  I haven't experienced that in a long time, but I have been experiencing something a little similar and a couple of weeks ago as I left the gym I made the connection in my mind.  I was there to workout with my friend at his gym.  Many years ago, he was MY trainer.  Our relationship has changed but the desire to please him in the gym has never really left me in the 6 years since I stopped training with him as a client.  I've mentioned in previous blogs that I have been through a lot in the past couple of years.  I lost my marriage of 21 years that in turn caused me to lose a lot of comfort, security, and free time to workout whenever and however long I want.  Then, a couple of weeks ago...my older sister that has struggled with mental illness for many years, took her own life.

Although, I have dealt with it all as it came and feel like I've handled it all pretty well, it has taken a big toll on my emotional state.  That in turn has affected my physical state and ability at times.  Some days, it's been a big struggle physically to make it to the gym.  I start to workout and it's as if all my energy is gone.  I feel weak and that same sense of panic I spoke of earlier washes over me.  I worry that I will never find my strength again.  So when I found myself struggling and frustrated one day after a workout with my friend, I had to think about this.  At one point he looked at my tank and yelled..."FIND YOUR STRONG!" at me!

As I drove home afterwards, I put the connection of those two situations together.  There was one distinct difference though.  If I had lost my child, I would NEVER give up searching.  It wouldn't matter if I was tired or hurt or frustrated or lost.  I would continue to search against all odds to find my child.   I felt like I had lost something that was so precious to me.  I worked for so many years to build muscle and strength that now seemed to be gone, but instead of doing whatever it takes...no matter how hard or bad I feel...I was in a sense throwing my hands in the air and giving up. 

Clearly, my fitness and the way my body looks and performs will never be as important as my children, but it IS very important to me.  Making this connection about how I have reacted differently to "losing" 2 different things that I care about made me take a good hard look at myself.  It made me have to get honest about just how bad I want to find my strength and how hard I actually have or in this case have not worked to find it.  I'm not perfect...that is clear to anyone that reads what I have to say, but I'm honest.  I believe honesty and forgiveness have always been a key part of my success.  It was nice to finally be honest with myself about the level of effort because once I realized I COULD work harder...it gave me hope.  I could stop being the self inflicted victim and make a plan.  And whether or not I find the same strength I had, I have found a comfort in realizing and regaining control over me.

If you lose something that you love, go find it.  Don't look for a minute or two and give up.  Don't get bored because it's taking longer than you thought.  Don't make excuses because you are afraid or the search becomes difficult.  Search.  And don't stop until you find what you're looking for!

Look within

I've suffered from a bit of self loathing at times in my life.  I know...its a terrible thing to say.  It's an even more terrible thing to admit and feel...especially as a person that desires to uplift and motivate others.  I am realizing that I've looked outside myself a lot for reassurance, confidence, comfort, and strength throughout my life.  I think that's part of the reason me and my one time personal trainer, Wes, and I became such good friends and I became so attached to him.  I found all those things in my training and through his encouragement.

It was only natural for me to cling to that again when he moved back after being gone for years.  When he left, my life was different.  I shopped, got pedicures, barely worked, and had what seemed like the perfect marriage.  He came back to a very broken friend going through a divorce that at times has been consumed by fear...the fear of how to go from a girl that dropped out of college when I got married at 21 and later became a stay at home Mom to a woman that can support herself...the fear of never being loved again...the fear that maybe I'm not as strong on my own as I once thought I was.  I asked him to workout with me.  I was sure that if he programmed our workouts and I had a time to meet him each day, I would become a motivated bad a** again. 

After months of working out together, I have realized that I was wrong.  I have felt like my workouts just weren't as intense as they needed to be.  I have continued to struggle with motivation.  I know Wes has sensed this too.  He's changed our programming, but no matter what...I never feel like I'm beginning to get back to where I was mentally or physically.  It wasn't until yesterday that I had a breakthrough of sorts.  We decided to start a new, much more intense programming schedule this week.  I told myself that I would try really hard to take this seriously and work as hard as I could. 

Monday we met and ran sprints.  It took us a long time, and it was hard and intense...and I loved it!  I went home exhausted...literally.  I ate dinner and fell asleep in my workout clothes.  I got up Tuesday a little nervous about the workout.  I knew it was hard and I wondered if I would feel weak and defeated.  I had to coach the 9AM class at the gym before we could workout together.  It was a tough workout that required a lot of coaching and encouragement.  Wes and I worked together and kept instructing and encouraging the people in class.  One person in particular was struggling.  I gave him tips throughout the workout and I was really proud of him when he had finished.  As soon as the class left we got started.  I wasn't my usual self.  I wasn't silly or doing a lot of talking.  We were only a few minutes in when Wes asked, "Are you ok?"  I smiled and said, "I'm fine.  I'm just being serious."  "Good." he said, and we finished up the first 2 parts of the workout. 

By the time I got to the 3rd of 4 parts...I was tired.  I went to press the bar up and missed.  I tried a second time and missed.  Something strange happened at that point.  Instead of me getting down on myself and starting the inward self loathing and bashing that I normally would have, I could hear my own words in my head.  I remembered the advice and encouragement that I had just given someone else.  I corrected my form and followed my own advice and suddenly I was successfully pressing the bar overhead.  It was still hard, but I was able to get through it.  Even though I could barely get to my car after the workout was over, I left feeling good.  I felt proud that I had worked so hard and that I had chosen to encourage myself rather than tear myself down when I originally failed.  It was on my ride home that I came to a realization.

I realized that the reason that I have struggled so lately and never improved was not because of the programming or because of a lack of encouragement.  It has been because I was searching for something outside of myself that I needed to find within.  I was looking to someone else for strength and confidence.  The strength and confidence I needed was there inside me all along.  It was just hidden and masked by fear and sadness.  Unfortunately, I know I'm not alone in this.  I'm sure there are many other people that have felt the same feelings.

Don't make the mistake of looking outside yourself.  EVERYTHING you need to be successful lies inside you.  It's not so different than the experience that Dorothy had in the Wizard of Oz.  She wanted the wizard to help her get home when she had the power within herself the whole time.  Look inside YOURSELF.  Find what it is you need and then begin to enjoy the success and happiness that comes from knowing that you are all you need!  YOU are brave enough and strong enough to accomplish ANYTHING you want to!  Remember that.