...habits...

I've thought a lot about the habits we form these days.  I was thinking about it one day when I was having an especially hard time, and I became obsessed with the thought that I needed to eat bad food.  A big part of that is the emotional connection that I personally have to certain foods, but it's also a habit.  Throughout my life, when I've been sad or stressed...I ate...badly.  It almost became automatic.  It was based on emotion and bad habits.  I've made a great effort to change that, but every now and again I succumb to old habits.

So this morning, as I woke up with an iffy stomach and a guilty conscience over the box of Junior Mints that I bought and ate at the movies last night, I started thinking about habits.  We become like Pavlov's dogs in a way. (If you don't know what that is...google it.)  We go to the movies so we think we need candy and popcorn.  And it works in reverse too.  We are tired or busy and we don't workout.  We tell ourselves we can't.  We spend time rationalizing and lamenting over our "inability" to get to the gym or have time to go for a run.  Soon, it just becomes the norm.  Tired or busy = an excuse to not workout.

I know from personal experience that we can form new habits or get rid of some we don't like.  I know this because I'm living proof.  I was not raised to exercise or eat healthy.  I had to create better habits.  I've heard people say that it only takes a week to form a habit, but I know for me that sure has never been the case.  Maybe when it comes to short term success or doing something that may not be as challenging it works, but I think it takes longer to form habits that stay with you for years or a lifetime.  So I started researching a bit, and I read an article in "The World Of Psychology" about habits and how long it takes to form a habit. This article said 66 days (approx 2 month).  That made more sense to me.

Having read those last 2 sentences, you may feel discouraged...like that's too long.  You may doubt your ability to stick with something for 66 days that does NOT come easily.  That's a valid concern, but one that can be dealt with if you go about it in a methodical way.  If you are struggling to build a new habit, follow this plan and let's see if it works!  Make yourself a living, breathing science experiment!
Here's my challenge/plan for anyone that struggles to consistently workout:  Get a calendar...buy one...print one off your computer...whatever...and for the next 66 days, I want you to workout 5 days out of EVERY week.  It can be at different intensities, but it needs to be a workout.  Walking leisurely without breaking a sweat or reading while on an elliptical doesn't count.  Do it whether you are tired or busy.  It doesn't matter.  Mark it off on your calendar and plan for it on days that you are busy.  I suggest writing out what you will do on what days at the beginning of each week so you have a clear idea of what you will do and can easily follow the plan you set for yourself.  If you have one day that is especially busy, make that day your "rest day" or plan to get up an hour earlier and do it before your day begins.  Worried you will be too tired?  Go to bed an hour earlier the night before!   Make NO excuses.  Hang your calendar up in plain site and be accountable.

When people asked me how I lost weight and found time to workout 5-6 days a week when I had 3 little kids, was on 2 PTAs, and was running a household...I say the same thing every time.  I made it my "part time job."  I didn't call in sick or decide not to show up when I didn't feel like working.  I treated like I would any other job that I didn't want to get fired from.  Most of the time people would rather stay home than go to work, but we go.  Why?  Because it's our job and we are adults and know that as adults we have to do things we don't always like.  We work because we need money to live on.  Well, we should be taking care of our bodies because we need them in good shape to truly live and get the most out of our lives.  It's just as essential in my opinion!

So...66 days!  Are you up for the challenge?  Are you willing to commit to 2 months of working out 5 days a week whether you are busy, or tired, or on vacation?  (Because vacation doesn't give you an excuse either)  66 days to form a habit that could stay with you for YEARS???  That seems like a great trade off to me!  Let's do it!  Get your calendars ready and make tomorrow the first day of your journey towards building a habit that will change your life!

HERES the article I read from "The World Of Psychology":
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/10/07/need-to-form-a-new-habit-66-days/

HERES one about "10 easy ways to make exercise a habit":  http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/guide/exercise-habits

...Are you gonna stop? Or run?...

Baseball can be a tough sport.  Some people think there's a lot of standing around...and there is...but the thing is...when it's your turn to perform, you have to be able to quickly and accurately perform.  If you're not consistent...you get traded.  It's the same for kids as it is for the pros.  When my son played, he had desire.  He even played a game with a broken finger, but he didn't have much ability in baseball.  So at the end of every season, he would get put back into the "draft" and the next season he was always on a new team. 

All the coaches were different.  Different teams have different dynamics depending on the coach and the parents, but some things are similar.  One thing that I noticed with every team is that there were always coaches placed strategically on the field when the team was at bat.  There was always a coach standing by third to tell the boys when to run for home and when to stop.  Sometimes the boys became so dependent upon the coaches that they lost the ability to know when to keep running.  Sometimes, if the coach was distracted and didn't tell the player to run...the player would stand there and lose the opportunity to score a run.  Other times the boys would work hard...and steal bases...and load them up and then they would get out, the inning would be over, and they'd never get to run across home plate.

I started thinking today that sometimes we are no different than little boys on a baseball team.  We stop short of a "home run" at "third base", and sometimes we "strike out" before we get a run.  Sometimes it's because we are scared.  We doubt our abilities and fear failure.  Sometimes, it's because we are waiting on a "coach" to tell us what to do.  We've lost the confidence to make our own decisions and know when it's time to keep running.  I think we should change that.  I think we should be a little braver.  I think we should take more chances and run more.  Even if we fail at times...it's better than standing there and never knowing what we could've done, and it doesn't mean we should try again the next time.  Every pro baseball player that's ever played has been out before.  We need to summon the courage to keep running because you never know when they day will come that you will stop being afraid and accomplish something great!

...BOXES...

  I'm not very good at organizing.  I wish I was.  I hate clutter, yet I'm surrounded by stacks and stacks of papers and books as I sit here at my computer.  I struggle to move the mouse to my computer around because there is an array of sticky notes hanging from the bottom of my computer screen and tons of mail...some opened and some not...and pens and cords to various devices all piled on my tiny little desk here in my bedroom.  I was just thinking this morning that I need to see if I can get a file cabinet that wouldn't look bad and some boxes to organize my work stuff...my paperwork...my life.

As I thought about this, in between making more "to do" sticky notes and putting on makeup in my bathroom, I began to think about people...my people...the ones in my day to day life...the ones I care the most about.  I was thinking about how I organize people into imaginary boxes with labels.  I expect different things from different people, and I give of myself in different ways depending on the "box" that people get put in.  So I started to review the people closest to me (besides my children) and before I knew it...my totally normal, good, strong, "everything is just fine in the world" kind of mood took a turn and the tears began to fall.  Then, they began to flow.  I was filled with disappointment and sadness because I realized that a few of the people in the most important boxes...the ones I keep closest to me...don't really fit in those boxes the way I thought they did or the way I want them to and they take much more than they give.

As high maintenance and demanding as I can be at times...I am a giver.  My greatest desire in life is to help people and make others happy.  It's like the old Girl Scout camping rule...you should always leave your campsite better than you found it.  I try to leave people better than I found them.  I guess where the problem arises is that not everyone lives like a girl or boy scout and while the "Golden Rule" is what I try to live by...I don't get the same in return very often.  My first reaction was to blame the people that have let me down, but you know what they say..."When you point the finger at someone else, there's three pointing back at you!".  So, I had to put down the mascara brush that was now useless with tears flowing and take a good, hard look at the unhappy girl staring back at me in the mirror.

It may seem strange that I talk about this on a blog dedicated to strength.  It may seem to be a personal pity party or a rant and have nothing to do with being a strong woman, but I disagree and I know I'm not alone.  What I realized as I looked at myself in the mirror with tears streaming down both cheeks and wet spots on my t shirt where they fell, was that it's not everyone else's fault that I feel unfulfilled in many of my relationships.  Sure, people should be less selfish and be more willing to do what it takes to be there for the people they say they care about.  And yes, it would be nice if just a few of my daily interruptions were just someone that wanted me to know they were thinking about me...not because they need something, but just because they care.  I wish that the people that I listen to and give advice to, were as willing to listen and offered the same support that they are given...not because they have to, but because they want to.  At the same time, I realize that I have chosen who I give access to and how much I give them.  Some of the people that have had the most access in my life, really don't deserve it anymore.  This makes me sad and leaves me with questions.

After I stop trying to figure out what is wrong with ME, I finally ask myself the question, "WHY?".  Why are these people where they are in my life?  Why do I do the things I do and give the way I give when I am smart enough to see that there is little or no reciprocation?  I think there are 2 reasons.  The first is that sometimes it is because I want so desperately for a person to have a certain role in my life or fit into a certain "box".  It's like Cinderella's step sisters trying to force their feet into the glass slipper.  I try to cram the person where I want them and hope that somehow they will surprise me and fit.  I make excuses for them, even though deep down I know the truth.  I want people to care about me the way I care about them, but I know that I have no control over other people's feelings.

Probably the most important reason that I am struggling with my relationships is because I am taking the seemingly easy way out and choosing to ignore the problem.  I'm letting fear and grief take the reins.  It's like it's easier to muddle along and have half a** relationships that leave me unfulfilled, than it is to "clean house".  I can lie to myself and fantasize that someday it will be different...better.  I cry when my feelings are hurt and then I quickly suck it up and pull myself together in an attempt to feel strong and in control.  The problem is that as long as fear and grief are taking the reins...I don't have any way to steer myself towards another path.  I have to take the reins back and make some tough decisions.  Maybe a very few people and their "boxes" need to be tossed out, while others need to be put in different "boxes"...the kind that have very limited use...the kind that I don't give so much time and attention to, but that I can still access for very specific purposes with no expectation of anything in return.  These are the kinds of boxes that don't sit so close to me, but find a new home in the attic or garage...somewhere far enough away that they won't be so distracting..somewhere that they won't get in my way or drain my strength when I have to move them.

Life can be such a vicious circle of cause and effect when we do not make the right choices.  It's like I need to find the strength to make these changes, but my strength is drained because of the unhappiness that these problems are causing.  Change in any form is tough, but some changes are easier for us than others.  Everyone has their weaknesses and mine is the people that I care about.  I have survived some terrible things in my life that not many people know about.   I've conquered major weight loss, and I can always find the strength to workout or begin eating healthier, but it's people...sometimes the seemingly closest to me...that I have a hard time being strong enough to deal with.  It's hard for me to set boundaries and deal with the possibility of people walking away from me or getting mad at me.  Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing.  If so, it's time to make changes.  It's time to believe that you are worth being treated with love and respect.

I know deep down that I am strong enough to make these decisions, and here's what I know about strength.  My strength is not just about moving heavy weight or how fast I can do a workout.  My strength isn't just about the quotes and pictures that I use to inspire people.  My strength does not come from making changes that come easier to me.  Strength is about doing things that are really hard for me.  Strength is trying again when I fail.  Strength is knowing that I may have to stand alone and being brave enough to do it.  Strength is deciding what is best for myself and then taking action...real action...and standing tall in the aftermath...no matter what.  I know what I need to do.  I have some serious housekeeping and organization in front of me and I am going to dig deep to find the strength to do it.

..."the bad stuff is easier to believe"...

I love the movie "Pretty Woman".  I know that in simple terms, it's an unrealistic movie about a prostitute that finds her "Prince Charming" and gets "rescued"...and I also get that it probably glamorizes a very terrible, unglamorous, way of life...BUT...I still love it and watch it every time it comes on TV.  There's always been one scene that I have related to.  It's the scene where she talks about how it's easier to believe the bad things than the good.  It's like it's me talking...the me that not many people see...the old, hurt me that I have tried really hard to overcome.  I've done a pretty good job at trying to let go of the past and the thoughts that sometimes haunt me.  I've tried to ignore the negative thoughts that sometimes enter my mind.  I've tried to forget hurtful words that I let shape and define me for too long.
                                
 When I saw the picture above on a friend's Facebook page that says, "Don't believe everything that you think" it made me stop and think about my thoughts and how they shape me...how they effect my day and my decisions.  I thought about how hard it is for me to accept a compliment or believe the good things that people tell me some days.  After I discount a compliment or ignore something good someone is telling me, I always regret it.  I always wonder why I didn't just smile and say "Thank you!".  I get so frustrated with myself and think that with all the nice things I hear these days...why do I struggle to believe those words at times?

I realize looking at that picture that even though it's been a long time since I was told I was "ugly" by a boy in 7th grade...even though it's been many years since I suffered from betrayal or dishonesty...even though I've turned my life around and made something very positive out of some negative things that I went through...my thoughts have not changed as much as they should.  I tell myself mean things at times.  I can limit and defeat myself when I focus solely on my weaknesses instead of celebrating my many talents and strengths.  I've learned to grow a thicker skin and ignore the things that may be said about or to me in the past couple of years.  So I guess what I've figured out is that other people are not as much of a problem as I am.  These days, it's my own voice and my own thoughts that I need to change.

If we tell ourselves over and over that we are not worthy...if we constantly look in the mirror and focus on what we don't like...if we beat ourselves up internally for every mistake...and we do it over and over and over again...soon it will become easier to believe those things than it will to believe the good.  Don't do this to yourself!  It sounds like a daunting task...an impossible situation to change, but it's not.  Just like most things in life, it takes practice.  It takes chasing those negative thoughts out of your mind and embracing and believing the good that comes your way.  Sometimes, we just have to do it even when it doesn't come natural.  We have to "pretend" to be the person we want to become.  We have to embrace the good characteristics and begin making them ours.  If you begin behaving as though you are valuable and worthy of compliments and good thoughts, soon it will become a habit and you will become a different person.

Stop believing everything that you think and stop believing the bad.  Make a decision today that you will change and set your course in a different direction.  This one change can affect every aspect of your life in and outside of the gym and bring you happiness and success that you may be missing out on.  It may be easier to believe the "bad" and hard to change your thoughts, but anything worthwhile is not easy.

* The picture at the top that was the inspiration for this blog post is from the SoMuchMore Facebook page.  Please go visit this page and "Like" it!  It's an uplifting, great page that provides daily inspiration for a unique new website!  CLICK HERE to visit the page!

piCkeD LaSt iN gYm...

I was never athletic growing up.  I never played a team sport...ever...and I never played sports in school either.  In fact, P.E. was a miserable thorn in my side EVERY day that I went.  The feeling of dread that I experienced as I was dressing out before class was overwhelming, and the feeling of being a loser that I experienced for that hour everyday was even worse!  I could never climb the rope and when it came to being chosen for "teams"...I was almost always last or close to it.  Anyone who has "stood on the line" waiting to be picked...hearing everyone else's name be called as there are less and less people...knows that feeling.

I remember the day I had fulfilled my P.E. requirements in 10th grade and I no longer had to go.  I was overjoyed!  And so began an adult life where I avoided anything athletic.  I was conditioned to believe that because I wasn't good at it naturally, that it meant I never would be and I should accept it and not put any effort into it.  I had never belonged to a gym in my life until I was 34 years old.

I joined a gym because I was overweight and miserable.  Everyday was a struggle.  I was out of breath and tired and my own reflection repulsed me.  Although I always tried to look my best, I was often treated like I was invisible in stores.  There was even a day that a salesman stopped waiting on me in the middle of me trying to purchase a car stereo to wait on a young, thin, pretty girl.  It took me right back to gym class...to being picked last...only because they were forced to.  I hung my head and walked out with my toddler on my big hip.  No one even noticed I was gone.  I sat in the parking lot in my mini van and cried uncontrollably.

So, when I decided to join a gym and get in shape, I was really scared.  I found a safe place...an all women's gym...on the tiny downtown strip in my small town.  Most of the women were just like me...or at least I thought they were.  I was younger than most and they treated me nice.  My confidence began to grow...just a little.  By the time the gym went out of business almost a year later, I had lost 70 lbs.  I was no longer heavy.  In fact, I was VERY thin.  Although my confidence had grown, I was nervous about joining a "big gym"...one with men and women.  Still, I was loving working out and I wasn't gonna stop so I pretended to be brave and I signed up at a local gym.

It was there that I met the man that started out as my trainer and ended up one of my best friends.  I was a reluctant participant in a free 1 hour session with him, but through the course of events, I became his regular client for a year.  My life forever changed.  I was still NOT naturally athletic.  I was awkward and clumsy, and I had no sense of balance.  I wasn't accustomed to doing things I wasn't good at.  Those were the things I avoided in the year before.  Wes didn't allow that.  He pushed me...hard.  He knocked me down when I got too big for my britches and he built me up when I was feeling low.  When he moved away, I had to learn to do it on my own...and I did.  By the time I became a personal trainer myself, I was no longer the girl no one wanted on their team.  I was the girl leading the team...the one that everyone knew they could count on to go a little faster and fight a little harder.

Today...I can do pullups, and I can climb a rope...not one like we had in gym class with knots...a real rope.  Today...I may not always be first, but I'm also very rarely last.  Today...I have confidence in my ability, and I no longer dread walking into a gym.  The gym has become my refuge...a place I feel comfortable.  I know I'm not the only one with bad memories of gym class.  I know I'm not the only one to ever be picked last.  There may be people that read this that still feel that way at times...people afraid to try something new because they don't want to fail...people that feel like the last kid standing when the teams are being picked.  YOU CAN CHANGE THAT.  You do not have to be THAT kid anymore.  Face your fears and learn to do things you never thought you could.  Every time you think about NOT "dressing out" for the gym...change your mind and GO.  Every time you want to say, "I'm not athletic."...think of me.  Start today.  See yourself differently and decide that you will no longer be picked last in gym!

...confidence < ability?...

Anyone that knows me or has read all my blogs knows about my friend Wes.  Wes came into my life unexpectedly at just the right time when lots of changes were going on.  I RELUCTANTLY took a free session with him at the gym at the coercing of the manager there, and through a series of events I hired him as my personal trainer.  Wes later became my great friend and has remained my friend for many years even though we haven't "worked" together in probably 5 years.  There was a time in my life when I looked up to Wes like he was the "be all end all".  In my eyes, Wes could do no wrong and he knew EVERYTHING.

When he moved away, it was very hard on me.  I lost my coach...my mentor...my confidante...my friend.  I grieved that loss.  I never thought I would get over that, but like any loss in life...time heals and what was once a sharp pain became a hardly noticeable dull ache.  Wes moved on and found the love of his life that became his wife and I found that I could do things all on my own and became a personal trainer.  We kept in touch and I was really excited to have him and his wife move back here recently.  I was feeling a little bored and frustrated with my own training and he wanted to get into better shape again so we decided to start working out together again.

People all fall into roles.  It's comfortable.  We do it without even thinking sometimes.  So as usual, Wes has been the "coach" and I have gladly reverted to being the student...until yesterday.  He came in to workout with me yesterday after I had to fill in at the gym on my day off.  As usual, I said, "What are we doing today?"  He said, "Whatever you want!  We are here in a different place.  YOU decide today and we will do it."  I generally like to plan ahead, but there was no time to plan.  I was really nervous and unsure...uncomfortable in this new "role", but I wrote our workout down on the board.  Wes was reassuring so I gained a little confidence, but I wondered deep down if he was just being nice.  We did the workout...and it was good...and we went our separate ways. 

I stopped at the store on my way home and as I got out of the car, I received a text.  It was from Wes.  I was surprised to read what it said.  He told me that the workout was great and that he was really impressed with my knowledge.  I put the phone down in disbelief.  I picked it up and read it again.  I had a moment right then and there in the parking lot.  It began with being so surprised because Wes has so much knowledge and I've never felt like I could ever be half the trainer he was.  Then I stopped for a moment to examine WHY I was so surprised by that compliment.  I've been training people for 4 years and spent thousands of dollars going to seminars to learn and become a better, more informed trainer.

 I concluded that my confidence in my ability and my actual ability should be equal, but they aren't.  Instead, my confidence in my ability has been less than my actual ability.  I have always been reluctant to share my knowledge fully because I was afraid of being wrong or what other people might think.  I knew I had the ability to motivate people, but I wasn't always sure about my practical knowledge.  Yesterday, in two sentences, things changed.  I don't know everything and sometimes I make mistakes, but I realized that I know a lot more than I ever thought I did.  I also realized that I should never doubt myself like that again.  Neither should you.  Don't let past hurts or disappointments cloud where you are today.  See yourself as you are and be aware and proud of your abilities!  Find your confidence...even if it means you have to search for it!  From now on, don't let your equation look like this:  confidence<ability.  Make it look like this:  confidence=ability!  Be confident and believe in yourself!

...stop dieting...

When the word diet is said, I immediately cringe.  I cringe as a fitness professional and I cringe personally.  We hear it all the time..."Diets don't work!".  Actually, they do work.  The problem is that the results usually don't last and you're left with disappointment and depending on the extreme matters you may have taken, you could be left MORE unhealthy than when you started!  Starving yourself or working out to excess WILL make you lose weight, but it is NOT maintainable and can do you more harm than good in the long run.  This is the opinion of the personal trainer side of me.

Personally, I cringe because I am a girl that knows what she likes and isn't happy when I don't get it.  I associate diets with the LOSS of things I enjoy, and I hate the feeling of deprivation that has always accompanied diets in my life.  I remember being a teenager and moving an old stationary bike in my room.  I remember eating lettuce and taking diet pills and riding that stupid bike.  I remember hating myself and feeling ugly.  Obviously that's extreme and unhealthy, but I think even healthy diet plans can be risky if you don't have the right mindset.  After my 2nd child, I joined Weight Watcher's and had great success.  I didn't get strong at all, but I sure got skinny.  It started out well for me, but somewhere along the way...old demons and ideas crept back in.  I was so obsessed with the number on the scale that I was going to see every week when I went in for my weekly meeting, that I would refuse to eat meat for 2 days before weigh in and I would use laxatives the day prior.  I've never admitted that to anyone, and it makes me sick to see the words on my screen.  The only reason I admit this is because I know there are women and men out there trying to be better but they are going about it in the wrong way.  The Weight Watcher's plan did not drive me to that.  Being on a DIET and my own personal fear and unwillingness to REALLY change both my body AND my mind drove me to that.

So if you shouldn't diet, should you just be happy where you are at?  My answer would be, "No, not necessarily."  When I weighed 200 lbs back in 2002 and began my own transformation, I went back to Weight Watcher's because I needed some kind of structure and plan.  I did not attend meetings, because for ME personally...I knew the public weigh in would set off some of my past issues.  After a couple of months, I had started to build a healthy foundation but I wanted to be able to eat more healthy fat, like nuts and avocados and the "points" on those did fit in well with being able to eat enough.  For the first time in my life, I made my workouts and what I ate more important than what I was NOT able to eat.  I practiced discipline and moderation.  I ate good most of the time but occasionally I would have small amounts of things that I wanted.  I always used to say, "ONE doughnut, once in a while, will not make you fat.  One doughnut everyday is another story."  I had great success doing things this way and maintained my weight loss for 9 years.

You may think I'm going to go on a rant about the Paleo diet or how I have began eating in the last couple of months.  I'm not.  Do I think there are benefits to this way of eating?  Yes, but the point of this is to change the way you see food in general, no matter HOW you choose to eat.  Make a decision to eat healthier.  Simplify your choices.  Ask yourself questions.  "Does this food make me healthier?  Or less healthy?"  When you are choosing something, be aware that you are indeed CHOOSING.  You don't HAVE to eat crap because you are traveling or tired, and you don't have to skip meals because you are busy.  It's a choice...a choice that's easier to make if you think ahead.

When someone that hates to run at the gym asks me how to get better at running, I have a very simple and true answer.  I say, "Run more."  Sounds like a smart a** response, but it's the truth.  If you want to increase your cardiovascular respiratory endurance, you have to increase your cardio activity!  Eating and choices are no different.  Make better choices more often when it comes to your food and it will become easier.  I remember when I began running and the first day that I burst through my own front door, excited to announce that I had just run for 13 minutes without stopping.  I knew then, I was becoming a runner.  I'm still not quite there with my eating.  I'm feeling myself start to lean back towards old habits.  I was taking my own meals to my parents' house for Sunday dinner and then the past 2 weeks I didn't.  Last night my Mom had barbecue brisket and pasta salad and corn.  I ate it and I feel bad today...physically and mentally.  So, it's a new day.  Not a piece of food has gone in my mouth yet, and when I get up and walk in the kitchen...I'll prepare something that leads me closer to my goals rather than further away.  You can do the same.  Quit "DIETING" and start eating healthier.  You'll be surprised what a difference this shift in attitude can make!