Look within

I've suffered from a bit of self loathing at times in my life.  I know...its a terrible thing to say.  It's an even more terrible thing to admit and feel...especially as a person that desires to uplift and motivate others.  I am realizing that I've looked outside myself a lot for reassurance, confidence, comfort, and strength throughout my life.  I think that's part of the reason me and my one time personal trainer, Wes, and I became such good friends and I became so attached to him.  I found all those things in my training and through his encouragement.

It was only natural for me to cling to that again when he moved back after being gone for years.  When he left, my life was different.  I shopped, got pedicures, barely worked, and had what seemed like the perfect marriage.  He came back to a very broken friend going through a divorce that at times has been consumed by fear...the fear of how to go from a girl that dropped out of college when I got married at 21 and later became a stay at home Mom to a woman that can support herself...the fear of never being loved again...the fear that maybe I'm not as strong on my own as I once thought I was.  I asked him to workout with me.  I was sure that if he programmed our workouts and I had a time to meet him each day, I would become a motivated bad a** again. 

After months of working out together, I have realized that I was wrong.  I have felt like my workouts just weren't as intense as they needed to be.  I have continued to struggle with motivation.  I know Wes has sensed this too.  He's changed our programming, but no matter what...I never feel like I'm beginning to get back to where I was mentally or physically.  It wasn't until yesterday that I had a breakthrough of sorts.  We decided to start a new, much more intense programming schedule this week.  I told myself that I would try really hard to take this seriously and work as hard as I could. 

Monday we met and ran sprints.  It took us a long time, and it was hard and intense...and I loved it!  I went home exhausted...literally.  I ate dinner and fell asleep in my workout clothes.  I got up Tuesday a little nervous about the workout.  I knew it was hard and I wondered if I would feel weak and defeated.  I had to coach the 9AM class at the gym before we could workout together.  It was a tough workout that required a lot of coaching and encouragement.  Wes and I worked together and kept instructing and encouraging the people in class.  One person in particular was struggling.  I gave him tips throughout the workout and I was really proud of him when he had finished.  As soon as the class left we got started.  I wasn't my usual self.  I wasn't silly or doing a lot of talking.  We were only a few minutes in when Wes asked, "Are you ok?"  I smiled and said, "I'm fine.  I'm just being serious."  "Good." he said, and we finished up the first 2 parts of the workout. 

By the time I got to the 3rd of 4 parts...I was tired.  I went to press the bar up and missed.  I tried a second time and missed.  Something strange happened at that point.  Instead of me getting down on myself and starting the inward self loathing and bashing that I normally would have, I could hear my own words in my head.  I remembered the advice and encouragement that I had just given someone else.  I corrected my form and followed my own advice and suddenly I was successfully pressing the bar overhead.  It was still hard, but I was able to get through it.  Even though I could barely get to my car after the workout was over, I left feeling good.  I felt proud that I had worked so hard and that I had chosen to encourage myself rather than tear myself down when I originally failed.  It was on my ride home that I came to a realization.

I realized that the reason that I have struggled so lately and never improved was not because of the programming or because of a lack of encouragement.  It has been because I was searching for something outside of myself that I needed to find within.  I was looking to someone else for strength and confidence.  The strength and confidence I needed was there inside me all along.  It was just hidden and masked by fear and sadness.  Unfortunately, I know I'm not alone in this.  I'm sure there are many other people that have felt the same feelings.

Don't make the mistake of looking outside yourself.  EVERYTHING you need to be successful lies inside you.  It's not so different than the experience that Dorothy had in the Wizard of Oz.  She wanted the wizard to help her get home when she had the power within herself the whole time.  Look inside YOURSELF.  Find what it is you need and then begin to enjoy the success and happiness that comes from knowing that you are all you need!  YOU are brave enough and strong enough to accomplish ANYTHING you want to!  Remember that.

...cHooSe yOuR oWn aDvEntuRe...

When I was a kid, a new series of books came out called "Choose Your Own Adventure".   As you read along, you...the reader, got to choose between a couple of different options that determined what the main character did which in turn affected the story's ending.  I used to love them! I just couldn't get enough of going back and changing which path the main character took and seeing how the story and ending changed.

I thought about these series of books as I was lying in bed the other night thinking about the twists and turns my life has made.  It was as though my life was a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book.  I went back in time to the first situations that I can recall that really shaped who I am and the subsequent choices that I made.  I tried to imagine where my life would be had certain things NOT happened to me.  I fantasized about how much more confident I might have turned out to be or how much "better" things might have turned out for me.  I walked through every step and just like the books I loved as a child, the ending was always different.  Many times, the way my imagined life turned out was simpler, more successful and almost always there were less scars from hurts and disappointments.  There was always something good, but there were also always things that were missing from the end of the story.

What if I had chosen to always take care of my body and eat healthy?  What if I had never been fat...or felt bad about myself...or been ignored by people in public...or had a jerk salesman stop waiting on me because I was overweight and a thin girl walked in?  Would things have been easier?  Would I have experienced a little less pain?  The answer is yes, but there's other things I would NEVER have experienced or learned either.  I wouldn't have the same understanding and compassion that I have.  I probably would not have a desire to help others make changes.  I wouldn't have the strength that came from overcoming those hurts and the pride I feel when I look in the mirror.  I wouldn't know how hard it can be to make good choices at mealtime and how easy it can be to turn to food when I'm feeling bad.

All of our choices...all of our experiences make us who we are.  We can become better and happier than we ever thought if we are willing to stop going down the same path and decide to make different choices. We can make changes...turn the pages back...and choose a different path with a better ending.  Your life is YOUR adventure.  YOU have to choose to work hard.  YOU have to choose to make changes.  YOU have to choose to be strong.  Don't let anyone else make your decisions or choose  where your life goes.  YOU choose your own adventure!

...strength and beauty...

The sun beat down on us unmercifully as we got out of the car to go for a 3 mile walk/run.  For a moment, I thought about pulling the plug and using the excuse that it's just too hot, but I knew that the majority of the trail I was headed for is shady.  I also knew that if I left the park and came home with the intention of doing it later...I would NEVER go back out.  I also knew that it was nothing short of a Christmas miracle that I had even gotten my running partner...my 16 yr old daughter...to agree to come along, so I strapped my phone to my arm (in case one of us were to suffer heat stroke and we needed to call 911) and we headed toward the trail.  I tried to be positive...to convince her (and myself) that it wasn't completely crazy to run in the middle of the afternoon in 100 degree weather.  I said, "See!  There's other cars here!  We aren't the only crazy ones!"  Savanna smiled and said, "Mom...they are having a party where they are sitting under the shade.  We are running."  Dang it!  That didn't work.  I tried another approach.  Denial.  "Look at all this shade!  It won't be bad at all, Savy!  We got this!"  She was quiet and kind and let me be ridiculous, but she knew what I was doing.

We decided that we would walk fast in the shade and run when we hit patches where it was sunny as to avoid getting burnt.  It'll be like intervals...but more fun since it's mostly shade.  (This was my thought as I was still trying to convince myself that it was a good idea.)  Savanna agreed.  And she is not known for being naturally agreeable so I was shocked.  This child has not EVER run with me at the park since she was a toddler and did so as a passenger in the stroller I was pushing!  I was going to take every advantage of this opportunity to try and spend some "quality time" talking with her and also try and show her that working out can be fun.  Okay, so maybe choosing to do so in 100 degree weather isn't the smartest but I was going to work with what I had!

We started out walking.  I started to talk to her about some big changes going on in our family.  She opened up and was kind and honest.  I realized that maybe this was going to be more for me than her, but either way...we were talking and she was doing so willingly and to my surprise she wasn't acting disgusted.  In fact, she SEEMED to be enjoying my company.  I was impressed and touched at how she never complained.  She ran right beside me and never quit...even when I could tell she was struggling.  I would go into personal trainer mode and start saying "You got this Savy!  You're doing great!  Just a little further and we are there!"  Just when it seemed she couldn't go anymore, we would hit a long patch of shade and recover and talk some more.

There is a big hill right in the center of this trail.  I hate/dread it EVERY SINGLE TIME I run.  It seems to go on forever!  I assured Savanna that we would only run on the parts of the hill that were sunny and we could walk in the shady parts.  She was doubtful in her abilities, but she did it.  We turned around at the ending point and started back.  I cheerfully told her that THIS time the hill would be easier because most of the sunny parts would be downhill going this direction.  I then cautioned her to pay attention because it might be easier to trip running downhill.  I said this because Savanna can be a little clumsy at times.  Actually, she has been know to randomly trip and fall many times throughout her life.  Luckily, we all laugh about it and so she smiled but then I saw some fear start to arise.  She got a crinkle between her eyebrows as she said, "Mom, I don't want to run downhill!  What if I fall?  You KNOW how much of a klutz I am!"  I reassured her and said, "Oh Savy, you'll be fine!!!  I didn't tell you that to scare you.  I told you so you would pay attention."  The look of total disbelief was all over her face when she made the next comment...a comment that both surprised and saddened me a bit.  "What if I fall and scrape up my face?  I NEEED my looks Mom!"

I laughed.  "Oh Savanna!  Quit being crazy!  You're not going to fall and what do you mean you need your looks?"  There was a part of me that thought she MUST be joking, but she was very serious.  "Mom.  (motioning to her face as we ran...downhill...without falling)  My looks DO make a difference.  Without my pretty face, things would be a lot harder.  When I was at camp a couple of weeks ago, I didn't ever have to clear my tray in the cafeteria once that week.  There were always boys offering to throw my stuff away and I never had to carry my suitcase up or down the stairs.  I'm going to NEED my looks to get by in life."

 Wow.  Many thoughts raced through my mind in the 30 second pause after that statement.  I wondered if I had created this feeling in her.  I envisioned a life of her relying on men and using her looks to "get by."  That's not the life I want for either of my daughters.  I wondered how this amazingly smart (like genius smart), talented daughter of mine could think that everything good that she has ever gotten or will get is attached to her looks.  And then I realized it.  It's just like when you have that moment of dejavu and you instantly realize that you have dreamed of being where you are before.  I was instantly aware that this was one of those rare, precious moments that parents get...moments when you get the chance to teach your child something so valuable that you would not normally be able to teach them and have it make an impact.  I knew I had to say something.  I wanted her to understand some things that could make such a huge difference in her life.  And so, this is what I said,

"Savanna.  You are beautiful.  I remember when you were a baby.  I would just look at you, even when you were asleep and marvel at what a beautiful child you are.  Now is no different.  Your beauty is striking, and being beautiful has its perks.  People may be nicer to you, boys may give you attention, and opportunities may come your way because of the way you look, but you cannot spend your life relying on your looks.  Solely relying on your looks means giving up the power to be happy...all the time...no matter what.  It may mean that you are only happy when you are getting attention and miserable when you are not.  Relying on your looks means that the opinion of others counts more than YOUR opinion of yourself.  Looks fade and we get older.  One day you will not look like you do now and if your entire identity is wrapped up in your appearance, you will feel lost and always be looking back.  You are so smart.  I can't imagine having your intelligence, and I know you can do great things.  But more importantly, you are strong.  If something were to ever happen to your looks...it would be sad but it shouldn't be the end.  You need to be strong enough to have more substance that you can fall back on.  Looks are nice, but they should be like the icing on the cake...a bonus.  You have stayed with me in this heat and never complained until now.  You have kept going when I KNOW you wanted to stop.  I don't ever want you to forget this.  You are more than what you look like."

She smiled at me and said, "You're right."  I don't know if what I said made a difference but it certainly made me think and reflect upon my own life.  It also made me wonder how many girls out there feel the same way...and how many girls have grown up feeling that way and are now women that have let it shape their lives and effect their happiness.  Don't let appearances shape and define who you are.  You are not the car you drive.  You are not that hot body in a bikini.  You are not the pretty face that gets attention.  You are more than that.  Look within yourself and find your strength and substance, because beauty is nice but it's not the most important thing.

...NO MORE JUNK...

I have often said that if you want to eat healthy, you need to keep healthy food in your home.  One of the ways I personally avoid eating junk food, is by trying to not have it around me.  I was thinking about this today as I looked in the pantry and couldn't find anything good to snack on.  Today, my willpower is strong so I made a decision to just wait until lunch, but there are days when I would've been influenced by the chips and cookies that my kids snack on.

My thoughts turned to the people in my life.  Something made me think about a friend I used to have.  We are no longer friends, and even though I still miss her from time to time...I have no desire to ever rekindle that relationship.  It was just like eating junk food.  It was a quick fix.  It was fun and "delicious" at the time, but there were always consequences to the behavior afterwards.  Eating sweets and junk food is great while it lasts, but that's the problem.  It doesn't last long and I am always left wanting more.  It slows me down and keeps me from progress.

Maybe we should look at how everything in our lives is effecting our health and well being.  It's not just about the food we eat or how often we work out.  It's also about our mindset and the people we surround ourselves with.  Those things can directly effect how we think and the choices we make.  They can have just as big of an effect on our fitness as the food we eat does.

Make a choice to be your best.  Eat good food and train your body to be strong.  Surround yourself with people that are positive and help you want to be better.  Get all the junk food out of your pantry and lose the junky people in your life that keep you from being the strong, happy person that you should be!

...habits...

I've thought a lot about the habits we form these days.  I was thinking about it one day when I was having an especially hard time, and I became obsessed with the thought that I needed to eat bad food.  A big part of that is the emotional connection that I personally have to certain foods, but it's also a habit.  Throughout my life, when I've been sad or stressed...I ate...badly.  It almost became automatic.  It was based on emotion and bad habits.  I've made a great effort to change that, but every now and again I succumb to old habits.

So this morning, as I woke up with an iffy stomach and a guilty conscience over the box of Junior Mints that I bought and ate at the movies last night, I started thinking about habits.  We become like Pavlov's dogs in a way. (If you don't know what that is...google it.)  We go to the movies so we think we need candy and popcorn.  And it works in reverse too.  We are tired or busy and we don't workout.  We tell ourselves we can't.  We spend time rationalizing and lamenting over our "inability" to get to the gym or have time to go for a run.  Soon, it just becomes the norm.  Tired or busy = an excuse to not workout.

I know from personal experience that we can form new habits or get rid of some we don't like.  I know this because I'm living proof.  I was not raised to exercise or eat healthy.  I had to create better habits.  I've heard people say that it only takes a week to form a habit, but I know for me that sure has never been the case.  Maybe when it comes to short term success or doing something that may not be as challenging it works, but I think it takes longer to form habits that stay with you for years or a lifetime.  So I started researching a bit, and I read an article in "The World Of Psychology" about habits and how long it takes to form a habit. This article said 66 days (approx 2 month).  That made more sense to me.

Having read those last 2 sentences, you may feel discouraged...like that's too long.  You may doubt your ability to stick with something for 66 days that does NOT come easily.  That's a valid concern, but one that can be dealt with if you go about it in a methodical way.  If you are struggling to build a new habit, follow this plan and let's see if it works!  Make yourself a living, breathing science experiment!
Here's my challenge/plan for anyone that struggles to consistently workout:  Get a calendar...buy one...print one off your computer...whatever...and for the next 66 days, I want you to workout 5 days out of EVERY week.  It can be at different intensities, but it needs to be a workout.  Walking leisurely without breaking a sweat or reading while on an elliptical doesn't count.  Do it whether you are tired or busy.  It doesn't matter.  Mark it off on your calendar and plan for it on days that you are busy.  I suggest writing out what you will do on what days at the beginning of each week so you have a clear idea of what you will do and can easily follow the plan you set for yourself.  If you have one day that is especially busy, make that day your "rest day" or plan to get up an hour earlier and do it before your day begins.  Worried you will be too tired?  Go to bed an hour earlier the night before!   Make NO excuses.  Hang your calendar up in plain site and be accountable.

When people asked me how I lost weight and found time to workout 5-6 days a week when I had 3 little kids, was on 2 PTAs, and was running a household...I say the same thing every time.  I made it my "part time job."  I didn't call in sick or decide not to show up when I didn't feel like working.  I treated like I would any other job that I didn't want to get fired from.  Most of the time people would rather stay home than go to work, but we go.  Why?  Because it's our job and we are adults and know that as adults we have to do things we don't always like.  We work because we need money to live on.  Well, we should be taking care of our bodies because we need them in good shape to truly live and get the most out of our lives.  It's just as essential in my opinion!

So...66 days!  Are you up for the challenge?  Are you willing to commit to 2 months of working out 5 days a week whether you are busy, or tired, or on vacation?  (Because vacation doesn't give you an excuse either)  66 days to form a habit that could stay with you for YEARS???  That seems like a great trade off to me!  Let's do it!  Get your calendars ready and make tomorrow the first day of your journey towards building a habit that will change your life!

HERES the article I read from "The World Of Psychology":
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/10/07/need-to-form-a-new-habit-66-days/

HERES one about "10 easy ways to make exercise a habit":  http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/guide/exercise-habits

...Are you gonna stop? Or run?...

Baseball can be a tough sport.  Some people think there's a lot of standing around...and there is...but the thing is...when it's your turn to perform, you have to be able to quickly and accurately perform.  If you're not consistent...you get traded.  It's the same for kids as it is for the pros.  When my son played, he had desire.  He even played a game with a broken finger, but he didn't have much ability in baseball.  So at the end of every season, he would get put back into the "draft" and the next season he was always on a new team. 

All the coaches were different.  Different teams have different dynamics depending on the coach and the parents, but some things are similar.  One thing that I noticed with every team is that there were always coaches placed strategically on the field when the team was at bat.  There was always a coach standing by third to tell the boys when to run for home and when to stop.  Sometimes the boys became so dependent upon the coaches that they lost the ability to know when to keep running.  Sometimes, if the coach was distracted and didn't tell the player to run...the player would stand there and lose the opportunity to score a run.  Other times the boys would work hard...and steal bases...and load them up and then they would get out, the inning would be over, and they'd never get to run across home plate.

I started thinking today that sometimes we are no different than little boys on a baseball team.  We stop short of a "home run" at "third base", and sometimes we "strike out" before we get a run.  Sometimes it's because we are scared.  We doubt our abilities and fear failure.  Sometimes, it's because we are waiting on a "coach" to tell us what to do.  We've lost the confidence to make our own decisions and know when it's time to keep running.  I think we should change that.  I think we should be a little braver.  I think we should take more chances and run more.  Even if we fail at times...it's better than standing there and never knowing what we could've done, and it doesn't mean we should try again the next time.  Every pro baseball player that's ever played has been out before.  We need to summon the courage to keep running because you never know when they day will come that you will stop being afraid and accomplish something great!

...BOXES...

  I'm not very good at organizing.  I wish I was.  I hate clutter, yet I'm surrounded by stacks and stacks of papers and books as I sit here at my computer.  I struggle to move the mouse to my computer around because there is an array of sticky notes hanging from the bottom of my computer screen and tons of mail...some opened and some not...and pens and cords to various devices all piled on my tiny little desk here in my bedroom.  I was just thinking this morning that I need to see if I can get a file cabinet that wouldn't look bad and some boxes to organize my work stuff...my paperwork...my life.

As I thought about this, in between making more "to do" sticky notes and putting on makeup in my bathroom, I began to think about people...my people...the ones in my day to day life...the ones I care the most about.  I was thinking about how I organize people into imaginary boxes with labels.  I expect different things from different people, and I give of myself in different ways depending on the "box" that people get put in.  So I started to review the people closest to me (besides my children) and before I knew it...my totally normal, good, strong, "everything is just fine in the world" kind of mood took a turn and the tears began to fall.  Then, they began to flow.  I was filled with disappointment and sadness because I realized that a few of the people in the most important boxes...the ones I keep closest to me...don't really fit in those boxes the way I thought they did or the way I want them to and they take much more than they give.

As high maintenance and demanding as I can be at times...I am a giver.  My greatest desire in life is to help people and make others happy.  It's like the old Girl Scout camping rule...you should always leave your campsite better than you found it.  I try to leave people better than I found them.  I guess where the problem arises is that not everyone lives like a girl or boy scout and while the "Golden Rule" is what I try to live by...I don't get the same in return very often.  My first reaction was to blame the people that have let me down, but you know what they say..."When you point the finger at someone else, there's three pointing back at you!".  So, I had to put down the mascara brush that was now useless with tears flowing and take a good, hard look at the unhappy girl staring back at me in the mirror.

It may seem strange that I talk about this on a blog dedicated to strength.  It may seem to be a personal pity party or a rant and have nothing to do with being a strong woman, but I disagree and I know I'm not alone.  What I realized as I looked at myself in the mirror with tears streaming down both cheeks and wet spots on my t shirt where they fell, was that it's not everyone else's fault that I feel unfulfilled in many of my relationships.  Sure, people should be less selfish and be more willing to do what it takes to be there for the people they say they care about.  And yes, it would be nice if just a few of my daily interruptions were just someone that wanted me to know they were thinking about me...not because they need something, but just because they care.  I wish that the people that I listen to and give advice to, were as willing to listen and offered the same support that they are given...not because they have to, but because they want to.  At the same time, I realize that I have chosen who I give access to and how much I give them.  Some of the people that have had the most access in my life, really don't deserve it anymore.  This makes me sad and leaves me with questions.

After I stop trying to figure out what is wrong with ME, I finally ask myself the question, "WHY?".  Why are these people where they are in my life?  Why do I do the things I do and give the way I give when I am smart enough to see that there is little or no reciprocation?  I think there are 2 reasons.  The first is that sometimes it is because I want so desperately for a person to have a certain role in my life or fit into a certain "box".  It's like Cinderella's step sisters trying to force their feet into the glass slipper.  I try to cram the person where I want them and hope that somehow they will surprise me and fit.  I make excuses for them, even though deep down I know the truth.  I want people to care about me the way I care about them, but I know that I have no control over other people's feelings.

Probably the most important reason that I am struggling with my relationships is because I am taking the seemingly easy way out and choosing to ignore the problem.  I'm letting fear and grief take the reins.  It's like it's easier to muddle along and have half a** relationships that leave me unfulfilled, than it is to "clean house".  I can lie to myself and fantasize that someday it will be different...better.  I cry when my feelings are hurt and then I quickly suck it up and pull myself together in an attempt to feel strong and in control.  The problem is that as long as fear and grief are taking the reins...I don't have any way to steer myself towards another path.  I have to take the reins back and make some tough decisions.  Maybe a very few people and their "boxes" need to be tossed out, while others need to be put in different "boxes"...the kind that have very limited use...the kind that I don't give so much time and attention to, but that I can still access for very specific purposes with no expectation of anything in return.  These are the kinds of boxes that don't sit so close to me, but find a new home in the attic or garage...somewhere far enough away that they won't be so distracting..somewhere that they won't get in my way or drain my strength when I have to move them.

Life can be such a vicious circle of cause and effect when we do not make the right choices.  It's like I need to find the strength to make these changes, but my strength is drained because of the unhappiness that these problems are causing.  Change in any form is tough, but some changes are easier for us than others.  Everyone has their weaknesses and mine is the people that I care about.  I have survived some terrible things in my life that not many people know about.   I've conquered major weight loss, and I can always find the strength to workout or begin eating healthier, but it's people...sometimes the seemingly closest to me...that I have a hard time being strong enough to deal with.  It's hard for me to set boundaries and deal with the possibility of people walking away from me or getting mad at me.  Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing.  If so, it's time to make changes.  It's time to believe that you are worth being treated with love and respect.

I know deep down that I am strong enough to make these decisions, and here's what I know about strength.  My strength is not just about moving heavy weight or how fast I can do a workout.  My strength isn't just about the quotes and pictures that I use to inspire people.  My strength does not come from making changes that come easier to me.  Strength is about doing things that are really hard for me.  Strength is trying again when I fail.  Strength is knowing that I may have to stand alone and being brave enough to do it.  Strength is deciding what is best for myself and then taking action...real action...and standing tall in the aftermath...no matter what.  I know what I need to do.  I have some serious housekeeping and organization in front of me and I am going to dig deep to find the strength to do it.