Tuesday, January 10, 2012

"Don't mind the (wo)man behind the curtain!"

Here I sit...at my little desk in front of the window in my bedroom...typing on my computer as tears fall and I try to avoid them hitting the keyboard of my beloved Mac.  I feel absolutely terrible, and tonight I'm finding it hard to be positive.  I want to be strong.  Really, I do.  That's what I preach every day.  But right now...I feel anything but strong...physically or mentally.

Remember when Dorothy traveled to Oz to find the Wizard because he was supposed to be all knowing and be able to help her get back home and when she arrived she realized that he was just a man behind a curtain?  Well, I feel a little like the Wizard.  There's a part of me that feels a bit like the Great Oz.  I want to help and be everything that people want me to be, but in the end...he was a man and I am just a woman.

I am sick and I'm hurting...bad.  My stomach has been in painful knots for days and my energy is gone.  I've even had body aches that sent me to bed at 9pm last night...not at all normal for this night owl.  Tonight after dinner, I got an excrutiating headache...the kind where it feels like a pressure cooker and the top of my head could blow off at any moment.  I've put up with these symptoms and remained positive because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I need to get healthier and rid my body of the "junk" I've been putting in it my whole life.

Tonight I feel sad.  Its almost like I'm mourning my old life even though I know the new one is better and healthier.  I miss eating Frosted Flakes indian style on my bed while I watch old episodes of "Sex & The City" late at night.  I miss going out to eat when I've worked all day and not having to feel limited or worry about what to order and how I'll order it.  I miss not caring how long it takes to get the food at my favorite Mexican restaurant because there's a "bottomless" basket of chips in front of me.  I miss grabbing a Three Musketeers bar when I need a lil pick me up in the afternoon.  I miss feeling normal...free of pain and full of energy.  And because I feel weak...and sad...I feel like I'm letting everyone else down that have traveled so far wanting my help.

But here's the thing I realize as I sit here...just as Dorothy did not need the Wizard to get home, no one here NEEDS me to get them healthy or make their choices for them.  The power lies within each of us to be better, healthier, stronger.  It may be hard to believe now, but soon each person that sticks with this 30 Day Challenge and is successful will realize that while I may have given you the idea or a little motivation along the way...YOU are doing the work.  YOU are making the choices.  It's not enough just to want to lose weight.  You have to want change...long lasting change.  And just like Dorothy says before she left Oz, "...If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard, because if it isn't there...I never really lost to begin with."  Look inside yourself.  Everything you need is there.  That is true for you, and it's true for me as well.

I WILL get through this and I WILL be grateful for every hardship and ache and pain and inconvenience along my own yellow brick road...and I will be stronger for it and glad that I didn't quit when it got tough.


  1. Wow! Wow! Thank you for being so genuine and sharing a little bit of yourself with us. This has touched my heart and even when you don't feel positive this has encouraged me to keep going. I ate like salt water taffy the whole small bag last night got upset with myself but made better choices Tuesday. I am not perfect, none of us are but as you say we need to look within ourselves and I will do just that.

  2. My hope was that if my bad feelings could bring some good to anyone else that may be struggling...it would all be worth. So far I haven't cheated, but don't think I haven't thought about it! You are stronger than you think. Don't stay focused on what happened before. Recognize it as a mistake and poor choice and move forward. You...WE CAN do this Cheryl! :)

  3. MC - I feel your pain. I've had a cold since before Christmas and now it's a respiratory infection. You're not weak and we all feel this way but thank you for being strong enough to share. I don't think you need to mourn your old life. This is a 30-day challenge and we all strive for healthier better lives but there is a quality of life aspect to also account for. Outside of this 30-day challenge my husband and I do a 'cheat night' - not a whole cheat day. He also loves Mexican and I love pizza, so one night a week - usually Friday our date night - we have our cheat night. I have read conflicting reports which say it is good to "shock your body" once and a while with higher fat foods. I don't know the exact science behind it but it helps me MENTALLY get through the week knowing we have this coming up. We're women - we're not perfect – but there needs to have a balance. Maybe after 30-days you can have 1/2 a Three Musketeers bar... Keep fighting but don't be so hard on yourself. - KS